How to Practice Submission without Someone to Dominate You
I WANT TO PRACTICE SUBMISSION, SHOULD I GET A DOMINATE?
Probably not. The first step is to investigate what flavor of submission you’re looking to cultivate. Simply put, what’s your why? Why do you want to play with submission and domination?
Here are the common reasons you might want to practice submission that I will be covering in this article. You’ll learn how to identify your reason for submission and how to practice in and out of the bedroom.
I want someone else to choose what we do.
I want to feel chosen/desired by someone.
I want to try a fantasy.
I want someone else to be in charge (because I usually am).
I want to feel out of control of myself.
I want to learn how to surrender.
I want someone to make me submit.
I want to be held and touched.
Take an inventory of which of these desires match up and let’s explore…
I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO CHOOSE WHAT WE DO
If you’re uncomfortable leading, you will be shocked at how much the submissive actually guides the experience in BDSM. A good Dominate will have a bag of tricks prepared and then read the submissive for what happens next. So regardless of who wears the collar, you’re going to have to work on your leadership skills to be a submissive. Here’s some experiments to try if you’re uncomfortable leading.
Investigate your submission fantasies by completing a Sexual Interest or BDSM checklist. This is a list of sexual acts that you rate by how interested you are in each. Any decent Dominate will make you fill this out before you meet. Even if you feel like you have no idea what you like in the bedroom, this list will show you that you probably have some strong preferences when asked. Here’s the BDSM checklist I use that you can copy & edit: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1I1dQq19xWFipPkDg54Odlugd61dobvESESM2zt3fxds/edit?usp=sharing
Meditate and then journal on this question…”when was the first time I learned that my leadership was not wanted in the world?"
Self-pleasure yourself a LOT. Know exactly what presses your buttons before you expect someone else to find them. Try NOT to watch porn while you figure out what turns you on. Use your hands and imagination to steer this exploration.
Make a list of what you’re willing to submit to a Domme. Your time? Resources? Parts of your body? Usually a Dominate will put a lot of energy into a new submissive. What are you ready to offer in return? Make this list before you have to decide in front of your new partner. This will show you where your boundaries are and you can practice stating them with your Dominant.
I WANT TO FEEL CHOSEN/DESIRED BY SOMEONE
Being desired is hot. Someone letting you know how much they want you is super hot. People of all gender expressions love to hear someone desires them.
Being able to identify that you want to get to know someone and say something about it is a skill we all need to cultivate. You don’t have time to wait around and make sure that every good potential partner meets you at the perfect time to let their love known. If you feel a spark with someone, it’s up to you to follow up. You can and should ask for a date as a submissive. You are more likely to find a higher-quality partner by speaking up when you see potential.
If you never make the first move, here are some experiments to try…
Compliment 3 people genuinely (in public or online) each day.
Make a list of aspects you desire in a partner: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and lifestyle. Keep this list on your altar and review it quarterly.
Make a list of behaviors/values that you will not tolerate in a partner. Sometimes I can get swept up in a new partner and ignore red flags. Going back to the values I want in a partnership reminds me what’s most important when I’m getting to know a new pretty face.
Love yourself first and foremost and fiercely. The number one factor in attracting great partners into my life has been the quality with which I love myself. Self love is the foundation of a loving partnership.
Behave and feel as if you’ve already attracted the love of your life. Do you believe in the power of your thoughts? The concept is that if you think about not having a partner, then that reality will continue to manifest. If you trick yourself into feeling like you have love, it will attract love faster. Try listening to love songs or watching movies that make you feel the love.
Woo yourself in all the ways you desire a partner to. Buy yourself flowers, go on a solo road trip, or take yourself to the spa. Get more practice at receiving what you desire and you’ll be more comfortable attracting it in the future.
I WANT TO TRY A FANTASY
The number one reaction I’ve encountered from people who had a long-standing desire after they finally get their wish is: despair, sadness, and anger. You would think that you would feel amazing after finally getting to fulfill a fantasy but that’s not how psychology works.
Here’s the psychology behind doing something new (whether it’s an orgy or a vacation)…
Planning a new experience is the psychological "high point". When you are still planning nothing has gone wrong. Everything can be perfect. And there are no downsides. The more you focus on your perfect projection, the more disappointed you will be when reality doesn’t match it.
Actually having the new experience is the “low point”. New experiences are messy, imperfect, and can have drawbacks.
Remembering the experience is the “middle point”. In your memory of an experience you can forget the most painful parts and remember the highlights.
You read that right. The worst part of your vacation is actually being on vacation but you remember it better than it was. So if you’ve had a long-standing fantasy that you’ve planned out in detail…well you’ve already done the most enjoyable part of a new experience. Actually getting your fantasy in real life will not compare to the one you planned in your head.
"Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt via Maureen McNamara
Here’s what you can do to have your fantasies improve your sex life instead of wreck it by comparison.
STOP watching commercial porn. The fastest way to create an unrealistic expectation is to base your fantasy on how paid professionals perform. If your fantasy includes a sex worker than porn is a great inspiration. If your fantasy is with people who aren’t paid to pleasure you, it’s going to look and feel different than commercial porn. (There are some self-produced amateur porn exceptions to this rule.)
Write your fantasy down in a short story. This is a great way to practice naming what you want before you have to ask for it.
Practice a solo version of your fantasy. Is your fantasy about a threesome with double penetration? Use high-quality toys to create that fantasy by yourself or with one partner. I’ve often found the idea of a new sensation was sexier than the actual experience. Learning your best angles and pleasure points with toys will help you guide a partner.
Hire a sex worker. Pay a professional to take on the physical and emotional labor of helping you try out your fantasy. If your fantasy doesn’t include penetration or oral sex, you can hire a professional Dominate starting at $250 an hour. It sounds expensive until you compare it to bombing out on all your dates because you want something specific.
Relationships are multi-faceted experiences that are co-created. You can’t force your partners into a box that you defined before you met them. The same goes for a fantasy that includes other humans. Inspire your partner with your fantasy and ask them to co-create it with you. Leave room for your partner’s needs and preferences. Be open to their additions surpassing your wildest dreams.
Remember that every goal/intention/projection you have for the future is actually a limiting belief. From your individual mind you can’t even imagine the best possible outcome for all. Allow your goals to set your direction but don’t let them limit your destination.
I WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE IN CHARGE (BECAUSE I USUALLY AM)
This is the most common reason I’ve seen men, women, and gender non-confirming people become interested in submission. Whether you’re in charge of a business empire or a family empire all day, it can be a wonderful contrast to let someone else lead after 9PM. Before you put all your eggs in the “if I could only find a good Domme” basket, ask how could you bring more balance to your day. You may have a leadership role but there is always room to share your power.
Here’s a few experiments to run at work if you’re “always in charge”…
Have a co-worker run a meeting that you would normally run yourself. Sit back and don’t correct them during the meeting.
When a co-worker asks for your opinion, turn the question back to them and ask them what they think first. Validate their thought process and build their confidence into making the decision themselves next time.
Cancel anything that drains you to lead. About 80% of new business projects fail so whatever you’re pushing so hard probably won’t work anyway.
Take a month-long sabbatical (or longer) and see how your team reforms to cover you. When you come back, ask how they got stuff done and train folks to take on those duties permanently.
Let your co-workers see that you make mistakes, ask for help, and learn–just like they do.
I WANT TO FEEL OUT OF CONTROL OF MYSELF
You have a finite amount of self control and it can feel great to let go. Some of the wildest party people are also the most controlled people I know. The question to ask yourself when you’re seeking this primarily in your relationship is why. Why do you need so much self control to live a normal day that you don’t have any left by sundown? Here are some common reasons & solutions if you have been using up all of your self control.
I hate my job / boss / life. This is probably the most common reason people burn out trying to control their behavior during the day. If you hate your job now is the time to find a new one, launch a side hustle, or just check out and see how long it takes them to fire you.
I’m closeted / hiding a big part of my life. It can take a tremendous amount of energy to hide parts of yourself as our world becomes more connected and transparent. Coming out as yourself will be challenging but will save you tons of energy in the long term.
My parents wouldn’t approve. If you have lived outside of your parent’s home longer than in, it’s time to make sovereign decisions. You are 100% responsible for the life you lead as an adult.
I have a condition that requires a strict lifestyle. I don’t have personal experience with this so I’d love to hear from you if you do. I look for where I can turn my limitations into a super power. I’m a great gluten-free vegan chef because I had a friend with extreme dietary restrictions.
I am neurodivergent / I have health challenges. Physical or mental health differences may mean that you use up your self control during a normal day. I don’t have personal experience with this so I’d love to hear from you if you do.
Playing with control or lack of control is totally natural and part of BDSM. This desire is also what attracts us to drugs, alcohol, and all sorts of relationships that aren’t great for us. The truth is you don’t need alcohol or a Dominate to release control
Play with releasing control of yourself without help and you’ll never be dependent on a person or substance ever again.
I WANT TO TRY A FANTASY
The number one reaction I’ve encountered from people who had a long-standing desire after they finally get their wish is: despair, sadness, and anger. You would think that you would feel amazing after finally getting to fulfill a fantasy but that’s not how psychology works.
Here’s the psychology behind doing something new (whether its an orgy or a vacation)…
Planning a new experience is the psychological "high point". When you are still planning nothing has gone wrong. Everything can be perfect. And there are no downsides. The more you focus on your perfect projection, the more disappointed you will be when reality doesn’t match it.
Actually having the new experience is the “low point”. New experiences are messy, imperfect, and can have drawbacks.
Remembering the experience is the “middle point”. In your memory of an experience you can forget the most painful parts and remember the highlights.
You read that right. The worst part of your vacation is actually being on vacation but you remember it better than it was. So if you’ve had a long-standing fantasy that you’ve planned out in detail…well you’ve already done the most enjoyable part of a new experience. Actually getting your fantasy in real life will not compare to the one you planned in your head.
"Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt
Here’s what you can do to have your fantasies improve your sex life instead of wreck it by comparison.
STOP watching commercial porn. The fastest way to create an unrealistic expectation is to base your fantasy on how paid professionals perform. If your fantasy includes a sex worker than porn is a great inspiration. If your fantasy is with people who aren’t paid to pleasure you, it’s going to look and feel different than commercial porn. (There are some self-produced amateur porn exceptions to this rule.)
Write your fantasy down in a short story. This is a great way to practice naming what you want before you have to ask for it.
Practice a solo version of your fantasy. Is your fantasy about a threesome with double penetration? Use high-quality toys to create that fantasy by yourself or with one partner. I’ve often found the idea of a new sensation was sexier than the actual experience. Learning your best angles and pleasure points with toys will help you guide a partner.
Hire a sex worker. Pay a professional to take on the physical and emotional labor of helping you try out your fantasy. If your fantasy doesn’t include penetration or oral sex, you can hire a professional Dominate starting at $250 an hour. It sounds expensive until you compare it to bombing out on all your dates because you want something specific.
Relationships are multi-faceted experiences that are co-created. You can’t force your partners into a box that you defined before you met them. The same goes for a fantasy that includes other humans. Inspire your partner with your fantasy and ask them to co-create it with you. Leave room for your partner’s needs and preferences. Be open to their additions surpassing your wildest dreams.
Remember that every goal/intention/projection you have for the future is actually a limiting belief. From your individual mind you can’t even imagine the best possible outcome for all. Allow your goals to set your direction but don’t let them limit your destination.
I WANT TO LEARN TO SURRENDER
I was not taught to surrender as a kid. I was a state champion in speech & debate. I went on to become a CEO & Founder. I liked making stuff happen. I had to learn how to not “make” anything happen when I burned out in 2017.
I used meditation, marijuana, MDMA, and yoga to rebalance (and lost 40 pounds). Now I find surrendering to silent meditation or hot yoga just as illuminating as BDSM.
Try these experiments to practice surrender
Take an exercise class with a challenging instructor. Follow all the instructions even when you’re tired and you don’t want to. Practice surrendering with awareness of your personal safety by pushing yourself without injuring yourself. I practice hot yoga at a local studio and Kundalini Yoga with Kimilla online: www.kimilla.com
Learn meditation. This is the most potent method of surrender I’ve found. I’ve done about 100 days of silent meditation courses since 2018.
Take a psychedelic consciously. I’ve used marijuana, magic mushrooms, LSD, and MDMA to practice surrender. You can download my book on conscious psychedelic use here: www.jazminhupp.com/inside
Hire a bossy coach or therapist. Practice being told what to do and see how it works for you.
Say to yourself “my timing is perfect and elegant” whenever you feel like you should have acted sooner.
Stop pulling out your phone while waiting in line. Pause and be fully present. Compliment a stranger. Notice small details. Send mental gratitude to everyone involved with the food you’re about to enjoy.
Go on a solo adventure and do whatever your intuition desires.
Go offline and turn your phone off for a day. Show up fully to whatever your day brings with no distractions.
Read The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer.
I WANT SOMEONE TO MAKE ME SUBMIT
Famously, many of the men who pay Dominatrixes to humiliate them are high-paid and high-power professionals. Some of the most powerful people want to feel powerless in the bedroom. BDSM is a fine place to start but don’t stop there.
Ask yourself why you want to give someone else your power.
Are you tired of being in charge?
Are you unsure of what you want?
Do you feel undeserving of the power you have?
Do you have a specific fantasy?
Other?
All of these (and more) are common reasons to want to play with power. I encourage you to play with these dynamics in and out of the bedroom. Don’t rely on one partner to work through everything you have on power. Use therapists, healers, friends, journaling, and meditation to explore your relationship with power.
I WANT TO BE HELD AND TOUCHED
Most of us don’t have enough touch in our life. Touch can increase feelings of happiness and even promote healing. Asking for non-erotic touch is something we should all normalize between friends, family, and lovers.
Here are some hacks to add touch to your life without adding a partner…
Get a massage, facial, or hair treatment.
Find a tub with jets for a water massage.
Offer to trade a massage with a friend.
Go to an ecstatic dance event that encourages contact.
Use a feather or soft fur piece to caress yourself.
Use a foam roller or yin yoga class to massage yourself.
I WANT TO LEARN MORE
Here are the books and authors I’ve found useful on the topics of personal power and surrender.
The Surrender Experiment by Michael Singer
Urban Tantra by Barbara Carrellas
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
Pussy by Regena Thomashauer
Warrior Goddess Training by HeatherAsh Amara
Rule Makers, Rule Breakers: How Tight & loose Cultures Wire Our World by Michele Gelfano
The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership
ABOUT THE AUTHOR @JazminTheInsideGuide
I’ve always been fascinated by power dynamics and spent much of my twenties practicing BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sado-Masocism) in the bedroom. After some great and some not-so-great experiences with power exchange, I wanted to share these tips with you so you can skip to the good part!
I am not a professional Dominate but I am a bossy website designer and workshop leader.
WHAT’S YOUR WHY?
Was your reason for submission covered here? Tell me in the comments what flavor of submission you are exploring and what practices have helped.